As expected, I feel pretty crappy about my 'episode' earlier. In the heat of the moment, I get very depressed and don't think clearly. Now that my head is on right, I'm feeling better. Still feel pretty crappy, but in a way I feel content. I'm just sitting here listening to some music, getting ready to practice. If I could avoid going into those episodes, I would be able to live my life in peace but when I get like that, it really ruins my day. I think the thing I hate most about them, is I regret it later, but I know its not my fault and I cant help it.

Its not even a habit I have. If it was a habit, I would have a legitimate reason for blaming myself, but its not my fault. Its a disorder, and an illness. You don't blame a cancer patient for not being able to work, do you? Of course not. So why blame somebody with depression for not being optimistic? Nobody is blaming me for anything, except me blaming myself. Now, that is a habit. Blaming myself is a habit I have to stop, and I can stop. Unfortunately my depression is not something I can stop, but I guess I can help it a little by not blaming myself for it. Its a start.

People without depression don't really understand what its like having it. I know a lot of people confuse depression for just feeling down. Its not the same thing. Depression, the word, is thrown around too often. A lot of people say their 'depressed' when really their just upset about something. Depression, an actual illness and disorder, is very hard to live with. Now, I know it seems ironic that I can just write about it, as if I'm saying "Look at me! Listen to me, I have depression, now fix your eyes on me!" but thats the last thing I want to sound like. I'm simply writing about it. Venting, I guess?

To live with it is very hard, and its not just being upset. Yes, you generally feel down most of the time but thats only half of it. Naturally, when your upset usually you have a reason. May it be a thought, or sad news that gets you feeling down. Depression, your just feeling down for no reason! One day you might feel great, and enjoying your life. The next, you might be feeling worthless and useless, or you feel as though your life has no meaning and you just over analyze every little thing till it drives you insane.

The tiniest thing might trigger it. Maybe something your girlfriend says, or something a friend does. Body language, weather, etc. All these things can trigger a reaction that makes you break down and start to go into that cycle of depression. It affects you so much, you don't even want to get out of bed sometimes. Some days I even found myself going to school, only to turn around and come straight home simply because I started breaking down and going into a melancholy state of mind. Unfortunately, you can't just turn it off. You have to wait it out. The only thing you can do really is spend some time with friends, and get it off your mind. Eventually it passes, but it always returns in a few days. Maybe weeks, if your lucky.

As usual, I don't know how to end this entry. Perhaps I'll leave it open, and who ever has questions to ask can leave a comment and I'll be sure to answer them the best I can.

Its currently 7:03am, and I haven't slept all night. I've spent the past twenty minutes laying in bed in hopes of getting some rest. Why am I so restless tonight? My mental clock has gotten screwed up the past few days, I guess that explains it. Either way, I'm restless and can't seem to slow my mind down. As I sat in bed, I felt an urge to write something, so I signed on and here I am, writing away.

Why am I so restless? I don't know. The past 2 months have been...well, dramatic for me. A lot of things have changed in my life. I mentioned in my previous entry that I have decided to drop out of High School, and obtain my GED. I guess this choice is still being processed. I'll be honest, as much as I dislike waking up at 5:30am every weekday to go to school, I'm gonna miss it. Its a shame this is what I have to do in order to live my life. I'm not going to go into detail why I made this decision. This entry is not for that story. Instead, I'm going to discuss whats on my mind, and what most of my entries are about. Life.

So, why am I so restless? I feel as though I'm waiting for something. Perhaps I'm looking for something? I'm not sure. I can't seem to slow down, and take in each day. I know I have nothing to worry about right now. This is my summer vacation, why am I not relaxing? Maybe I feel as though I'm wasting my days. After all, I'm not going out much, nor am I hanging out with friends as often as I usually do. Regardless of these changes, in a way I'm content with my life. I realize that I have nothing to be anxious about, so why do I spend each hour as if I have somewhere to be?

I'll be honest, besides this feeling of needing to be somewhere, or feeling of having things that I need to get done, I'm pretty content with life right now. What do I have to be anxious about? Nothing. In fact, I'm looking forward to my future. This year is going to be interesting for me. Come September, I'm going to be out of school, and hopefully maintaining a part-time job. Its going to feel weird, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the years to come, and the fun I'm bound to have. Being in this state of mind, this almost 'daydreaming' state of mind reminds me of my freshmen year in High School. I remember the Summer of 2005. I just graduate 8th Grade, and I had my first girlfriend. Man, that summer was the best I've had so far! Every single day I would go over to my girlfriends house, and we would hang out like two male best friends. We would sit on her couch all day, playing videos games. We would order pizza, and stuff our faces with buffalo wings and hot sauce. Than after it was all over, we'd kick back and watch Rachel Ray cook some home style 30-minute meals. Man, those were the days. All while this was happening, I was looking forward to my future. I would think about the years to come, and the 'fun I was bound to have'. Months passed, and I had fun. Yeah, I had some good memories, but now that I look back, I feel as though I never enjoyed those moments as much as I could have. I can't blame myself though. What was I to do? All I could do was live each day, and have as much fun as I could.

Months passed, and months turned into years. Here I sit at my computer desk, thinking of my high school years. I should be turning a senior in September, but because of some stupid mistakes I would be a Junior if I decide to stay. Man, two more years in that school...I wouldn't last. I know if I returned, everyday I would look down those hallways, and see flashbacks of my past years. Everyday I'd be reminded of things Eric, Gwen & I would do. It sounds silly, but its true. I know I would look at the desks, and always think "Hey, Eric, Gwen and & I sat there every day 2nd period, and would talk about random bullshit". Or I would look at our old lockers and think "Man, I sure miss those guys...". I know I just would not last in that building. Sure, I could pass the classes and make it two more years, but I would not be able to handle it mentally. Being reminded of all those times...of a time that I feel has come and gone, would just tear me up inside. I would feel as though I was bound to those memories for another two years! I know ultimately when those two years pass, I'd feel as though I wasted them. I can't allow myself to do that, and I won't. I need to do what I feel is right for me, and I feel I need to move on.

So, I speak of these past few years as though their a chapter in my life. In a way, they are. My High School years, I'd call them...that is, if they were a chapter in a book written about me. Man, I know everybody says this...but if I could go back in time and relive these past 3 years....I would. I'd do so much, take so many more risks. I'd do it all over again. Its a shame, once a day is gone it never returns. We have to live in each moment, and cherish it. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time thinking of my old memories. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the past, but it feels great to remember the good and bad times I've had the past 17 years.

Hello,

This is my first entry to a blog...ever. I've never had one, and to be honest I never thought I would. I'm sure everybody has felt the same way, thinking they would never have a blog. I guess I decided to make one, simply out of curiosity. Like everything else in life, this is going to be an adventure for me, and hopefully you too. I'd like to think I have interesting things to discuss, and express to you all. Where do I begin? Perhaps an introduction to who I am.

Well, my name is John. I'm 17 years young, and a musician. Like many teenagers, I have hopes and dreams. I hope to one day become a professional musician, and music teacher. My goal in life, is to graduate college with a Masters in Music, so I can become a Private Music Instructor. Not only is it a fantastic career with a wonderful salary, it is something I can honestly say I'd enjoy doing. Music has always been a special part of my life, as it is to many other people around the world. I enjoy teaching and helping people. I figure Music is what I love to do, and teaching makes me feel like I made a difference...what combines the two? well, a Music Teacher of course!

So, who am I? What kind of person am I? Why did I make a blog? Well, many things come to mind when I ask myself these questions. I like to think of myself as just another human being, but truth is I'm not. I have flaws, and I'm not sure how to express them, or tell you what they are without sounding like I'm exagerating. So, let me just spill it and be blunt.

I feel like I have mental problems. No, I am not autistic, nor am I psychotic, but I have Depression and Bi-Polar disorder. I take medication for these illnesses, but they exist, in my brain and will always be there. I can't say that my problems are horrible because I don't know what life is, except the life I live. Does everybody have these problems? Does everybody else feel the way I do? I don't know. All I know for sure, is what I feel and think.

Why make a blog? You might be wondering, why would I make a blog about these problems, and thoughts? Well, to be honest I'm not quite sure myself. I guess I'm looking for a way to reach out to the world, and express my thoughts without it sounding like I'm crying out for help. I've been down that road, feeling horrible and writing on forums seeking help, but it left me feeling like I just wasted time. I'm not looking to write blogs about how horrible my day is, or how I feel I'm the only person with problems. All I want to do, I guess, is to show people how it is to live with these problems. I hope everybody understands this. I'm not looking for sympathy, nor am I searching for a shoulder to cry on. All I want is to share with the world what its like. To bring awareness, and hopefully destroy ignorance in the process. I know many people think these kind of disorders are bullshit, but I hope to show some people it is a problem, and it is real.

Well, I think this introduction is long enough, haha. Thanks for reading. I appreciate you taking the time and reading my entry, and please leave a comment. Subscribe if you want. I look forward to writing more, and sharing my thoughts with the world.